The Conservative Economic Handbook

Julian Wolfe
May 6th, 2012

Did you ever wonder how we should be running the economy? Don’t worry, the Conservatives are here to make it clear and simple! Here are 10 steps to keeping a country’s economy in order and how to be financially prudent!

The Conservatives are here to send a strong message about how to best manage money, here is their lesson:

Step 1: When no one is looking, book a fancier and more expensive Hotel and buy as much orange juice as you can!

Step 2: When you’re stranded, call the search and rescue people to send you a helicopter and when you are afraid of being thrown out of office, build fancy gazebos with money that was supposed to go to border security.

Step 3: Lie about the actual cost of jet planes and be reluctant to give any details. Attack your opposition and call them a bunch of tax and spending idiots, or go on record and say they were soft on Nazis – even though they didn’t exist at the time.

Step 4: Use the expensive challenger to go to a hockey game and a baseball game in the United States and repay a lesser fare later. Then hold a press conference about how your government has its hand on the wheel and how it has no money to spare and to prepare for austerity.

Step 5: Remember, your staff are inferiors, always book the most expensive rooms.

Step 6: Screw public transport, forget about cars, get limos and fancy drivers! The trick is, you are elected to government so this is an automatic perk that you’re given for being elected.

Step 7: Divert attention, maintain funding for propaganda. Canadians are “uninformed and apathetic” and it is important we keep them this way. Keep it simple, when the media come hollering, put them under your wing and tell them that the Conservatives have a strong hand on the economy and taxes are staying low.

Step 8: Cut the things you don’t like so it will be easier to appear strong when the unions come running. Who needs Statistics Canada? What can they tell us that we don’t already know. Don’t forget, many Canadians say they don’t want things and it actually means that they do. There was this massive social movement against us and we won a majority!

Step 9: Blame the deficit that arose before the global economic down turn happened on the global economic down turn. Since we are in rough waters overseas, it will be believable that our markets just went with it – plenty of time to try to get our acts together.

Step 10: Buy all the things Canada doesn’t need at the most expensive price, and in some cases, offload to the provinces. Canada needs new prisons: make provinces pay for it. Canada needs more senators: make provinces pay for implementation and elections. Canada needs lemon jet planes: unfortunately that’s federal. Canada needs 30 MPs in places where the governing party might win: it’s a toss up – but democracy badly needs them!

The Conservative Economic Handbook: Now you know how to run the economy and make a few quick bucks too! Don’t forget that after increasing spending by 40% in their first two years and cutting 10% as their austerity package, they shrunk government!

So will you be following the Conservative Economic Handbook?

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   Categories: Bureaucracy, Economy, Featured, Government Mismanagement, Spending, Taxes

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